Older and Wiser

‘Let the older women teach the younger’


(Titus 2:3-5)

by Wendy Virgo

Brighton, UK

I felt helplessly at sea. In my mid-twenties with two toddlers and a baby, and my husband church planting, I needed help! Did being a pastor’s wife mean I had to be a different sort of wife or mother? How should I act toward the older women in our small congregation? Was it alright to be friends with the younger ones my own age? I didn’t know how a pastor’s wife should behave! I needed an older woman to whom I could relate who could guide me through these uncharted waters.

 

I remember praying at my bedside, ‘Lord, please send me someone I can look to who can help me!’ One day the Lord spoke to me, ‘Learn from me. There are lots of leaders’ wives in the Bible.’ I was quite excited as I began to explore and found many wonderful lessons in the lives of people like Eve, who was not only the first woman and first wife but also the wife of the leading man in all history! Sarah and Esther, and the Proverbs 31 lady were mines of revelation. David’s wife, Michal, Samson’s wife, and Job’s wife were also rich in lessons in how not to act!

What would Mum have done?

I had been brought up in a God-fearing Christian home with loving, sensible parents. I often found myself, when confronted with some challenge of child rearing, instinctively thinking, ‘What would Mum have done?’ For example, what did Mum do when one of the kids developed a rash, or bumped his head, or hit one of the others, or told a lie? Now let me hasten to say that her way was not necessarily always right! But at least in her I had a pretty good model, if not a perfect one!

Sometimes it would be questions of need: What did my Mum do when someone called unexpectedly and we didn’t have much in the cupboard to make a meal? Or what did she do when we didn’t have money but the children needed new shoes? The answers were usually to pray first, but also to develop an attitude of mind to be resourceful, to be content with what we had, and to be willing to share it!

So what am I saying here? I was fortunate enough to have a good example in my mother who approached the ordinary things of life with faith. When I needed more specific guidance (in my case, about being a pastor’s wife), I applied the same principle she used: ask God and find answers in His Word.

Now, to fast forward to the present day, there are thousands of young women who have neither a godly mother who is an example, nor do they know how to dig out treasures from the Bible for themselves. They need someone to help them so that they can learn how to live and how to learn.

Young women on the threshold of life have many important decisions to make and often feel the need to lean on an older woman’s experience as they ponder career choices, dating, time management, budgeting and marriage, or indeed the lack of it. Seeking to live a godly life in today’s godless culture presents huge challenges, and prayerful support from another woman, who has grappled with similar things and come through, can be massively reassuring.

You could say, ‘But there are loads of books they can read!’ That’s one of the problems. There are books, magazines and television programmes galore on how to run a successful home/family/marriage, purveying a plethora of advice, yet all of these things are in dire straits in our culture and getting worse all the time. Also, lessons are best learned where there is relationship. Books can be helpful, but a flesh and blood person is more satisfactory!

Many women are very nervous about child-raising, and are tentative and inconsistent about discipline and training because they have no clear example and are afraid of being too dogmatic or severe. Consequently, children are often being reared with no boundaries, no model of parenting and very little guidance. They don’t know how to conduct relationships, how to use money, how to respect other people and their property, or how to work hard, amongst other things.

 

A Biblical model

One Saturday night in the early ‘90s, I was praying about the many young mothers in our church and asking God how to help them. I went to bed and woke up suddenly in the night. In my mind I could see a piece of paper with a type-written reference on it: ‘Titus 2 v 3-5’. I had no idea what was in these verses. I turned on the bedside light (Terry was away) and read, ‘Let the older women teach the younger,’ and then followed six specific things they were to teach. I jotted them down and realised I had a Biblical blueprint here for how to teach and train young women, by giving them principles for godly living.

In the next few weeks I wrote some material using these verses, and then Marian Preston, an elder’s wife, and I began to teach these lessons in small groups through the church. Eventually they were refined and put into book form, and have been used in other countries as well as the UK, which goes to show that the Bible is applicable in any culture.

When Paul wrote this instruction to Timothy, he did not specify that elders’ wives teach the younger women, he simply said, ‘older’. You don’t have to be much older to qualify, you just have to be a bit further down the track to pass on what you have learned. My daughter is in her 30s, but she is enjoying teaching a younger woman on the FYP programme how to cook! You don’t have to be able to stand in front of a roomful of women; just invite one or two into your home to do things with you. One of my friends, Sue Hosier, really enjoys one-on-one discipling. I, on the other hand, find a small group more stimulating.

Some women today are opting to stay at home, at least for a while, to care for their children. It is an unpopular choice, and indeed, often nearly impossible financially. Those who do it can find themselves lonely and unappreciated. They struggle with the lack of adult conversation, money is tight and they miss the social aspect of going to work. Whereas in years gone by girls would have their mothers nearby, this rarely applies now. This is where we older women can step in and befriend one or two girls, help take the pressure off them and pass on some of the things we have learned along the way. We used to learn the basics of home-making by osmosis from our mothers. But mothers today often live in another town and are not at hand to teach their daughters how to run a home.

 

Heart motivation

But it’s not only the actual practicalities that the Bible calls on us to teach; it is above all the heart motivation that is important. For example, marriage manuals will talk about meaningful communication, how husbands and wives can support each other, help with the chores, work out finances and have multiple orgasm – all great stuff! But only the Bible says, ‘Let the older women teach the younger how to love their husbands,’ and explains what true, Christ-like love is. The ‘older women teaching the younger…how to love their children’ will be communicating Biblical principles; loving your children is not a sugary, Disney picture of giving them everything they want, but is about consistent, loving, training for life.

Perhaps in your church there are older women, married or single, who are wondering how they can use their gifts of hospitality, or teaching, or creativity, or just encouragement. Why not try to match up one or two younger women with some of the older ones? This idea is being explored in my home church in Brighton. Some of our single foreign students are being befriended by a wonderful single lady. As this is a Biblical instruction, God will bless it. It will strengthen individuals and thereby strengthen the church. Stable homes are the glue which welds society together. As home life crumbles, so does society. This is a time of huge opportunity for Christian women to arise, build good homes and teach others how to do it too!